Sunday, June 03, 2007
you know one of those journeys that you get all excited on embarking on...
and when it is underway, you experience a mix of emotions from joy, to constant excitement, to euphoria,
to the normal get-downs which you feel when things dont go as planned, to the funny parts where you often
have no idea what to do or where to go but you want to go ahead anyway often ending up in more than
hilarious (or hard) situations, to the laughs shared over them, to happiness when something actually do
go as planned, to the constant not knowing what to do NEXT (as with me around, this is as constant as
a daily ritual), those feelings that are ever-present as you plough along that new adventure not knowing for
a fact what is right from wrong, not having a real guidebook to plan your journey on which makes it all
the more harder, but at the same time all the more exciting with you noting every single journey detail down,
not that you'd forget if you didnt anyway?
and still, when that journey is over and done with, it is still all you can think about for the next months
or so or maybe even the next years, as it had been THE big event in your life then, and most of your
living time then was spent being in on it.
and then the disappointment knowing you cannot, or will not be able to make such journeys anymore
(maybe cos you're too old, or you're sickly, or you're broke, Dad cut off allowance, the cat refuses to let
you go again... OR whatever),
and suddenly every little thing which reminds you of it now just makes you sad.
and then you try NOT to want to go on another journey.
no want, no expectations, no sad, gettit? so then you try NOT to think of the journey you had made previously, even it had made you madly happy then.
and such strong feelings of grudge, anger, sadness at not being able to go through it again starts to overshadow whatever positive feelings (however strong they were) you went through when you made that previous journey. and this eats up inside of you with each passing day,
that you sometimes feel what's the point of thinking about it anymore when all it does is make you feel shit.
why not just stop thinking of it, and with that in mind then maybe you will look at things realistically, and
maybe some of this unhappy thoughts will fade away with time.
90% happy - laughs, smiles, funny incidents, sharing the journey.
10% sad - tired, grumpy, things not turning out well, having problems with roadmaps, car broke down etc.
Journey Now
25% happy - re-thinking how it was
75% sad - knowing its not happening anymore, living in dreams of it happening, only to wake up to reality
and get it smacked right on your face in the morning, most mornings. and it is still happening everyday.
there should be a limit to how much sadness a person has to deal with in their daily life, don't you think,
cos after sometime, you will just start to resent such feelings and resent any associations with them?
and you ask how can such many a happy thought then be overshadowed by sadness now?
and you think, and you think, and you think.
Because baby, what happened was in the past.
And now is the present.
And emotions or feelings you have now are real, and the ones you had then, cannot be felt now -
they will always remain but a thousand happy memories in your thoughts.
'practice makes perfect' - the only practice you have now are with these current unhappy feelings
which you will continue to resent everytime you feel them.
and without the chance to further put into practice what you had felt then, you will never again
know how real it was, and soon, you will even find it hard to remember how nice it was as your
present takes over your past.
blatant truth.
bastard truth.