Saturday, April 04, 2009
* On turning 20. *
Dear you,
I thought a birthday card wouldn't contain all that I wanted to say to you, so here I am writing you a birthday blog-entry.
I know I will never, in a million years, be able to verbally express everything I want to - so here's me at my best, words directly from my heart.
You should already know I do better with writing than at speaking.
20 years ago, we rushed to the hospital to fetch you and Mummy home from the hospital. Me, Daddy and Abang. I didn't know what the fuss was all about, it was just a baby. It was just YOU. Daddy wrapped you up in that cloth-thing that Mummy told him to buy, and you looked so fragile. I didnt think I even wanted to touch you then, you were so pink.ish (and probably u.g.l.y). Abang probably took to you more warmly than I did then, I remembered him cooing and always wanting to hold you. Maybe its a boy-thing.
You were 4, or maybe 5, and i was just starting secondary school. You had the pau-cheeks. round and yummy. I liked to bite you, there was once I left a mark on your cheek which had Mummy screaming mad. I was told I can never bite you again. but you were growing up, and you were so cute throughout your preschool years. And that addiction to Daddy's camera flash - OMG, I swear me and Abang had so much laughs seeing you with just the flash, detached from the camera. But you didn't really care then. And me and Abang will always get it if we laughed at you - I still don't know why.
You started primary school, and Mummy joined your schools parent volunteer programme. She didnt join mine or Abang's but she joined yours! and everyday, she did your fringe exactly the way you wanted it (the currypuff fringe style was in then!). And she dressed you up like she did abang. school shorts WAYYYY above your waist, shirt neatly tucked in. you still had the chubby cheeks, but they were getting less chubbier by the year.
I was in upper sec, and starting to experiment out of the normal home activities. I wanted to go out with my friends more, I wanted to go out on weekends. But Mummy (being always the all-knowing her) knew I would probably not go where I said I was going... And she made you tag along... With all my friends. So, I was the girl with the cute brother who tagged along everywhere she went. I was hopping mad, but Mummy wouldn't let me have it any other way. I tried to secretly persuade you not to follow me (saying I was going o boring places, nothing for you to play with etc...), but most of the time, You still followed me.
And then you were finishing primary school. And I was already in poly. You got your results, we were so thankful. I was proud of you. I really was.
So you started secondary school. I was 21, young, legal, eager to see the world and seldom at home. You made a name for yourself in school, being the OVERACHIVER that you were, and all I hear were praises coming from Mummy's volunteer-parent friends (yes, Mummy volunteered EVEN at your secondary school!). You started dancing, and it was your life then. Sometime between your transition to upper secondary, yu probably went through your hormonal stage, and everything seemed to set you off. It hit Mummy hardest, because you were her baby, and when you started talking back and being the typical teenager, she couldn't see why you'd changed so quickly. And things were a lil mad at home, the frequent SQUABBLES both of you went through! And all I wanted to do was stay out of home, because I can't be bothered then.
I was the one who protected you from Mummy's violent tempers. I was the one who shielded you from whatever it was the she was hitting you with. I was the one who begged her to stop, even raising my voice at her to stop. It was usually me. And although these were all in the past, I remember it like it was just yesterday. I willed you to stop being rude and talking back to her, I was so mad at you for not knowing when to stop and just shut up. But I also didn't agree with her beatings. SO I did what I thought a sister would do. I put myself between you and her, and whatever it was that came my way, be it her hand, or a belt, I took it in my stride. When the beatings ceased, and you locked yourself up in your room, and she was probably in her room crying it out, I went back into my room and cried myself to sleep. I wished so hard that maybe you would just understand Mummy, and let it go, instead od being difficult like you were.Thankfully, Mummy saw light (or maybe it was the acknowledgement of your growing up phase), and the violent show-downs between the both of you quietened down.
I went away to work when you were just starting Sec 4. And because I wasn't around much, I made sure when I was back on vacation I spent some time with you. You were growing up, too quickly, that I sometimes miss the child that looked up to me. The child that I could do no wrong with.
In Sec 4, you were already fashion-conscious. And because we could afford it, you mostly got your way with your wants. And when I came back for my vacations, we went mad shopping. I indulged your whims. On after-thought, maybe I shouldn't have, because you came to take for granted our financial security. Mum and Dad was always telling me that. I shouldn't this, and I shouldn't that. I should'nt succumb to you indulgent requests. But as a sister, I thought, you should get anything that I was financially able to provide you with, because for that moment, I can. And I didn't believe in holding back, because I knew how much it'd probably mean to you. Because when I was younger, I thought it too, the only difference being, I seldom got it, because at that time, Daddy still had 3 school-going kids to support, and luxuries and wants were not on his list.
So you had everything you wished for, and maybe more. And I contented myself with knowing that I was supporting my brother, and that you don't have to rely on Daddy anymore, I could pay for your everything. Maybe it was ego-boosting for me, in a way.Looking back, maybe it made sense to make you see what the world is not as easy as saying "akak, can you buy me this, and that?" But at the end of the day, that's all done.
Hopefully though, you treasure what I've managed to provide you with, for those briefest years.
I don't know if I had played a part in making you the person you are now. I believe I might have, both in good and bad ways. Sometimes I think, you're just another spoilt last child wanting everything good, and then I think, I'm to blame for that, because I was the one who always gave in to you for the past years.
You went to poly, to the course of your choice. The past 3 years you've spent in poly have been a helluva time for this family. I remember Mummy calling me to 'complain' about your latest wayward behaviour, your neverending moodswings, and your financial demands on them. I was away, and I couldn't see the reason that had Mummy vexed most of the time. I always told her to be patient, because I truly felt that its just another adolescent phase that each child goes through at this stage of their life. Somehow Mummy thinks I am the only one that can speak to you, and that you would listen to me if I did.
She is wrong. You are at that stage in life where you would never listen to advices, where family comes second to friends, where going out is hands-down better than staying at home, where you just want to be free of rules, where parents and siblings are nothing but nuisances, where all you want to do in life is have fun, irregardless of your family member's feelings.
I know, because I've been there myself.
These days, after coming back home for good, I get to see the side of you that Mummy sees. The side of you that irks her. And although I have a higher tolerance level, there were some days that I just wreck my brains tryin to think why.
Because sometimes, you do that to us.
So this is my birthday wish for you.
I wish you would live life to the fullest, and enjoy these stages of your entry into the 20-s.
I wish you would go through these years, differentiating right from wrong, and even if it was wrong, knowing and learning from yours mistakes. because i believe if we never do mistakes, we'll never learn.
I wish you would have fun, because when you get to be as old as me, fun would be staying at home, or going out with the family.
I wish you all the joy and happiness in the world, and good health and wealth to come.
At the end of the day, I just wish you'd grow up further along the years to be a good man. I wish you learn from your recent phases of mistakes, and just hopefully, pick yourself up and move on.
And one of these days, I'd like to know it was all worth it shielding you all those times.
I'd like to see the brother that I so greatly love with all my heart grow to be a fine young man.
I'd like to know that maybe just a little part of you remembers.
Happy Birthday Babybro. I love you.
They say unconditional love is for a child. I'd like to change that, for I strongly believe a sister's love for her sibling surpasses any kinds of conditions, too. OR maybe it's just me :)
The truth, and nothing but the truth,
Your Only (emotional) Sister.